


Waiting for Him

by acrazyworldofdreams



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Office, Break Up, Depression, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Post-Break Up, References to Depression, References to Suicide, nomin, slight Renjun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-08 07:49:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16425368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acrazyworldofdreams/pseuds/acrazyworldofdreams
Summary: Jeno waits for him, but he never comes.No matter how many times he wishes he would, he doesn’t and Jeno continues to wait.Always waiting for the boy who once loved him but does no longer.





	Waiting for Him

 

*

_“Hey, how was your weekend?”_ Jaemin asks as Jeno slips into his desk chair. He twirls it slightly to the left, so he can yank open his bottom drawer and shove his lunch into.

Jeno contemplates his answer. Does he admit he spent the entire weekend in bed? Either reading, watching the latest show he’s hooked into, or watching stupid meme videos on the internet. No, best not. He was supposed to be okay, he can’t let anything else show.

It has been so long now since, hasn’t it?

Schooling his face, he responds with the standard _, “Good thanks, and you?”_ Jaemin takes half a second trying to read into his words, but gives up quickly, apparently happier to share his own news.

_“I went on a date. His name is Mark, works down in translation department.”_ Jaemin’s eye light up whilst he talks about the boy who’s clearly stolen his heart.

It’s nice to hear. Jeno doesn’t mind hearing about other people’s love stories, it’s only his own he can’t bear to listen to anymore. He turns back to his screen, hitting on the power button and watches it whirr into life.

Jaemin’s still talking about Mark, so he listens dutifully. Why wouldn’t he? Jaemin has been his best friend for years and has always listened to him. It’s not even a chore, Jaemin tells things in the funniest of ways.

Eventually he finishes recounting the date, and Jeno smiles at him. _“I’m really happy for you Jae. Are you seeing him again soon?”_ Keep asking questions. His number one rule to keeping people distracted. _“Friday, I think. Work is a but hectic this week. What about you? What’s on this week?”_

Work talk is ok. He can do work talk.

_“Big client meeting on Thursday. I need to prepare the new spreadsheet for, plus I need to talk to the SEO department about some of the recent work they’ve been doing. I don’t know what newbie they’ve taken on board, but holy smoke, they’re bad. I really wish we didn’t have to deal with this kind of shit.”_

Jaemin’s nodding at him. He agrees, he always does about work stuff. They’ve both worked for the same company for over two years, and the problems run deep. Nobody really takes care of anybody, only looking out for themselves and their own departments. He kind of hates it. It used to be different, back then he had something to look forward to each day. Now his days are empty, and only filled with work.

And even turning up to work is becoming harder to manage.

The thought of facing others, wondering what they might think of him. He’s always been friendly with everyone, enough for people to notice when he stops talking to them. The question he dreads the most is always, “Is everything alright?”

No, it’s not, but he can’t explain why. It’s not as simple as something like a broken leg. It’s his mind. It’s broken, and he doesn’t know how to fix it.

Wanting the conversation to be over he motions to his now fully functional screen, and Jaemin waves at him, and returns to his own screen across the room. It’s unlikely Jaemin won’t say anything about his behaviour. it’s noticeable and there’s only so much space a friend like Jaemin can give.

Jeno is counting down until he does. But time will only tell whether he will lie or tell the truth?

*

Another week of emptiness passes by, and Jeno wonders when he blinked.

Life seems to be moving at an extraordinarily weird rate these days. Sometimes his days go by so fast he can’t remember who he saw, what he said, or where he went. It’s scary. He’ll look at photos of him and Renjun and see his smiling face and wonder how he can hide so much pain underneath it.

Other days seem never ending. He watches the clock on these types of days. Tick. Tock. Tick. Sometimes he swears the hands go backwards, repeating time over and over again. It’s these days which make Jeno yearn for nothingness. To feel nothing. He doesn’t know whether he wants to die, but the idea of not feeling the pain anymore is tempting.

The last time he felt this bad, he’d had him by his side, which had made it easier. Having someone to check in on Jeno. Ask him the right questions, not the ones which frustrate him.

What triggered it? Can’t you just make yourself do it? And so on.

But he’s gone now, and no matter how much Jeno waits for him to come back he won’t. It’s all Jeno’s fault. The reason he won’t come back is because Jeno sent him away.

Jeno remembers his laugh, his smile. The quiet moments they shared. When the loudness of the world dropped away, and it was just the two of them. Peaceful. Perfect. What he would give to get it back.

But Jeno doesn’t deserve him. He hurt him too badly to get him back.

*

_“How was your weekend, Jeno?”_ like clockwork Jaemin asks him the same question each Monday, but Jeno wants to change the tune.

_“How was your date?”_

Jaemin takes a moment to readjust to the deflection, clearly unhappy Jeno had changed the conversation so quickly. _“It was fine, but really Jeno, how are you? It’s like your withering away in front of my eyes, and I can’t do anything to stop it.”_

There. There is it. Jaemin reached his breaking point, and brought into the light, the elephant in the room. Jeno’s depression is…is…

Jaemin continues his thought for him _, “It’s back isn’t it, and you’re drowning. Please let me in Jeno. I can help.”_ The floor suddenly looks very interesting to Jeno and he can’t look into Jaemin’s eyes. He’ll know, and then he’ll try to do something.  But Jeno doesn’t want him to help. Doesn’t want to drag Jaemin back down with him.

It’s the reason he let him go in the first place. He remembers it all, like it was yesterday.

*

_“What do you mean you want to break up_?” Jaemin sits across him in their small apartment living room. It’s cosy in here normally, but now it’s stifling. Too small for the events playing out between its four walls.

_“I mean I don’t want to be with you anymore Jaemin. I don’t….don’t want this, and I want to break up”._ Even Jeno knows his voice sounds emotionless, he can’t look into Jaemin’s eyes when he says it, but he does look up after.

Tears have welled up in the other boy’s eyes, leaking out in a continuous stream down his face. It’s the most beautiful and awful sight Jeno had ever seen.

Hurt him now, to save him in the future.

Jeno repeats it over and over again.

_“Say it to my face Jeno. I want to hear you say it to my face_.” Jaemin sounds torn between anguish, and heartbreak.

Hurt him now.

Jeno looks up, _“I don’t want to be with you.”_ The words leave such a bitter taste on his tongue but they’re all truths. He won’t lie.

_“Tell me you don’t love me anymore.”_

The fire Jeno admires so much is present is every word. They both know Jeno won’t say it.

_“Please Jaemin, just let me go. I don’t want this anymore.”_

How could he. When everything that Jeno was, hurt Jaemin? That Jeno’s very existence was trapping Jaemin into a life he didn’t deserve. Too many nights lost spent comforting Jeno, when he could barely say a word. Too many events cancelled because Jeno couldn’t face people. Too much, for Jeno to watch the person he loved most, bare.

It was too much for Jeno, and he wanted out. Jeno was a coward in the face of Jaemin’s bravery.

_“Please”,_ was all he could manage in replace of all the words he couldn’t say. Jaemin’s tears have stopped now, but Jeno knows Jaemin’s just holding them in now. They’re been friends, lovers for too long, for Jeno not to know. He has one more thing to ask. It’s the most selfish thing in the world, but he has to. He really will die without him.

_“Jaemin,”_ Jeno starts hesitantly, _“I’m sorry to ask this, but please don’t leave me completely. I…I..just don’t know what I’d do without….”_ Jaemin doesn’t let him finish before he’s pulled into a tight hug.

_“I know Jeno. I know. I won’t be going anywhere, but just give me some time okay. If you really need me though, just call.”_

And then the love of his life had walked away from that part of their life and now they’re where they are. They’re stuck on “How was your weekend?” and “How was your date?” because Jeno not only lost his love, but also his best friend, Na Jaemin.

Hurt him now, to save him in the future.

*

_“I can’t ask you to do that_.”

Jeno’s so close to letting him back in, but he can’t ruin the progress Jaemin’s made. He’s finally met someone else. It may be killing Jeno more than he can process, but it’s not about Jeno for once. It’s about Jaemin.

_“I want you to be happy, Jaemin.”_

Sad eyes at flashed at Jeno, Jaemin looks unsure of himself. Jeno rushes to reassure him. Half-truths were always more helpful than outright lies.

_“No, I’m not doing great, but I’m getting help. I’m speaking to someone, and I’ve been seeing Renjun more.”_

The truth is in he’s been seeing Renjun more, which equates to about once every fortnight, the lie comes in with speaking to someone. He’s talking to no-one. Jeno’s too afraid. He doesn’t know how to put his feelings into words, and he’s afraid that he’ll be labelled as crazy.

_“Okay Jeno, but please remember I am still your friend.”_

Bless Jaemin and his forgiving heart. Jeno didn’t deserve him then, he doesn’t deserve him now.

*

Jeno’s brain is fuzzy. He’s not sure what day of the week it is. He called in sick on Monday, saying it may be a few days. He hadn’t said why and now time has passed, and he’s confused.

The TV is on playing something. Jeno can’t remember what. When did he last eat? Yesterday? The day before? He’s been managing water. Jaemin always forced him to drink water. Begging him that the least he could ever do was to drink water. He tries to his best to be good for Jaemin. The only thing in life worth living for.

But Jaemin is gone now. Sent away by the person who needed him most.

The knock at the dock shocks him out of his current brain stupor, but he can’t make himself move. When was the last time he moved? Jeno’s not sure but judging by the frozen screen on the television asking him if he wants to continue watching, it’s probably been a while.

There’s another knock, a short wait and then a key in the lock. Jeno panics. Only three people have keys to this place. Jeno, his landlord and…Jaemin. Not what he wanted, but it was the one thing Jaemin had insisted on when he left.

He closes his eyes, not wanted to face what’s about to happen. He knows Jaemin will panic. He knows he will cry. He knows he will be devasted that Jeno didn’t call. That Jeno has been reduced to this without him. Jeno wants to tell him he’s sorry before he’s even been discovered, but he can’t. It’s too late. It seems Jeno’s silent wait might be over, because really that’s all he’s been doing.

Waiting for the boy he loves to come back to him.

*

Walking into the apartment he once called home is heart breaking for Jaemin. He sees traces of the life he misses every day in every corner.

Jaemin’s not been here since the night Jeno told him to walk from him, but it’s like time stood still in the little apartment that housed their love story. Because it was a love story, no matter how much Jeno thought it wasn’t. Jaemin doesn’t want to give up a single memory. Each as important as the next.

The past ten months have been hell. In the beginning, Jaemin thought Jeno would change his mind. He let Jeno push him away, but too much time past, and Jeno didn’t relent once. Breaking Jaemin’s heart over and over again, but then Jeno had started to show the signs of a breakdown. He hid them well from everyone else, but he couldn’t hide, not from Jaemin. It was excruciating to watch the person you love fall apart and not being able to put them back together.

He’s only gone on that date with Mark, because Renjun had suggested it was time. That Jeno wasn’t going to change his mind, no matter how patient Jaemin was. Jaemin needed to get on with his life, whilst Jeno figured his own out.

Dating Mark had been such a surprise for Jaemin. The other boy was so dedicated to his work, but in a cute way. He wasn’t fond of skinship in public, however the cuddles they’d shared so far had filled Jaemin’s empty heart with something. Anything.

But that had all come crashing down, when Jaemin realised Jeno had stopped coming into work this week and by the third day he was almost desperate. Something was wrong. Renjun agreed and told Jaemin he was okay to go over and check. Renjun had always been the voice of reason, so if he was worried. It was bad.

The key was a godsend. Jaemin hadn’t known why he’d insisted on keeping it, but if Jeno was asking him to stay friends, then it was his bargaining tool. It had worked, and now he was petrified that he had to use it. There were no responses to his knocking, so he’d put the key in the lock and turned it, darkness met him.

*

Jeno felt so cold. The heating had turned off hours ago, thinking he was at work, and he’d never turned it back on. Jaemin found him freezing, and unmoving on the floor. Jeno would have thought he was dead also.

The scream echoes around the apartment, and hurts Jeno’s ears, _“JENO”._

Jaemin’s hands come to his sides and shake him. He opens up one eye a crack, and confirms it is indeed Jaemin and whispers _, “You came back to me”._ Jeno then passes out, possibly from hunger, maybe tiredness, maybe from life.

He awakens to covers being pulled over his him, and a body close to him. The body is shaking, and he hears sobs.

_“Jeno, Jeno, Jeno”_ is all he hears before he passes out again.

The next time he awakes, he’s alone but there is a delicious smell in the air. It takes him back to hundred of memories of the apartment being filled with the smell of Jaemin’s cooking. His saviour is home. Jeno doesn’t know what to think.

There is a glass of water, and some vitamins on the bedside table. Sitting next to it is a chunk of Jeno’s favourite chocolate. Jaemin must have decided his sugar levels were too low. Jeno dutifully drinks and eats all he’s been given. This is a familiar routine. He can do familiar.

Fresh clothes lay in a pile at the end of the bed. All of Jeno’s fave comfy clothes, plus one of Jaemin’s hoodies that Jeno’s been not so secretly sleeping in, is placed on top. Jeno feels safe for the first time in a while.

Trudging out into the kitchen is hard to do. The physicality of is fine. Jeno does feel a bit weak, but the chocolate and vitamins are already helping, no it’s the emotional side. In the kitchen is his past, and potential future. Renjun’s being telling him for months to stop being so stupid, perhaps it’s time.

_“Jaemin”_ Jeno whispers the name he’s being longing for.

There are wide arms opens to welcome him home.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote a thing. Some feelings lately have been overwhelming me, so I wanted to get some of it out and it turned into this. Could have been longer, but it felt right leaving it there. Hope you like it. If you ever need someone, please reach out to talk to someone. It does help in the short term I promise.


End file.
